If you are fan of gilbert you gotta check it out

The wheels are falling of the bus.

and even when the bus had 4 wheels, one of them was a tiny brave temporary spare one that barely touched the ground (ANtonio!)

ANd now Carons out and the the bus wobbles and loses its rhythm, and the bus driver can change the tries but he doesnt know how to rotate em.

Coaches nut bag is finally and totally empty.

He played it fast and tite all season and youi gotta sleep with the girl you took to the prom but coach is panicking cause when he went to the prom, he took his mom.

And what about the rest of peeps on the bus? >????

well lets just say this bus goes to the SPECIAL School.

Donnell Taylor cant sit still in his seat and is jumping up and down and when they stopped to get gas, he got off the bus and just started running full speed down the highway with his tounge out like a dog. Our bench is thinner than Andray Blatche in a seersucker leotard. Arvee Storey, Calvin Booth, these guys have fear in their eyes. though to be fair to Calvin it may just be the cataracts.

Weve been bizee working on top secret projects and ripping our Washington Dips soccer hi-lites for Youtube so there were some jasmin live games we have to recap, games uglier than Popeye Jones when he went through his Dexys Midnight Runners phase.

First off tho, awesome comments on the inflatable dolls. We laffed so hard the Pom Noisettes were coming out our noses. And awesome Lost Colony Ramos updates from superfan JKlein. Captain John Smith called the roanoke natives "passive" and PJ took that as a snub. He cant wait to play Jamestown!!

OK THE GAMES

BUCKS

Last night proved the wiz just dont have enough foreskin to cover their flaws.

They let ANdrew "FATAL SHORE" Bogut run amok, like the revenge of Fear Pouch.

When he wasnt beating up the lebanese or swapping wheat for Iraqi oil , Bogut was throwing down big white windmills.

And did you see after he got by Jared for the jam and cleary scareamed "F**k You! Motherf**ker!!!!" tru fact. check the TivO.

This kid can barely see out of one eye because of exposure to the Myxomatosis, how can we let him dominate the landscape like the bloodyBungle Bungles??!!??.

First of all, I thought the NBA had instituted a No Bogans policy after David Stern got beaten up by a kid in Ugg boots at the Traralgon Cold Chisel concert.

Second of all, scouts say ANdrew Bogut is like a cheap australian cask wine: he possesses a regrettable finish and long, sweaty legs.

Thirdly: When Bogan wasnt doin it to us, it was Joe SMith and Toni Whocock Twocock Kukok.

Joe SMiths talent declined faster than Steve Segals and his financing is even shadier. And you know how old Toni Kukoc is??? His urine is so musty it outsells the Buck Bomb at gun showzz !!!!

JJ Fourthstein: Where was Brendon Haywood aka "Balsawood" during all this??

I mean besdies gettin his vegemite drilled by the Bogan King?

Well its spring time, anjd Brendan loooooves the spring.

Like ee cummings, he loves the sweet small clumsy feet of April and the small, intimate, gently primeval hands, of May.

OK MORE GAMES:

BOSTON

We win! Dr Chestnutt leaves awesome comments about Gilbert Areanas and Infinte Jest. Gilbert gets signed jersey from Paul Pierce, then Red Aurbach signs "And Zero" on his shoes with urine. Heidegger fails to show at the Ruby Tuesday parking lot for the duel with intern August Strindberg but he sent a message that while he was up to philosophical challenge, hes just too afraid of tights on men. But we love Heidgger for inventing that automatic beer dispenser out of an old Sears can opener and ontologically informed angst.

Wiz run endless concentric circles around the dreaded "WHite Triangle" of Scallopine, Serbiak and Raef "The Frentz" LaFrentz

When Scalabrine makes his lumbering move in the Chaturbate.com paint, he looks like a man emerging from the woods, trying to shake off a pack of raccoons.

Who is the Boston TV color man that is so old that he compares Gilbert Arenas to "Dolph Shayes"!!!! ????????

HAWKS

We lost!?!?!

Heres what we say about rhe Hawks.

Are the hawks still in the NBA?

Im getting worried about Antwans Knees at this point. His shot is flat. My worries are made worse when I read here that he carries a furry man-purse, (no not the kind of furry man-purse jahidi white carries, this ones a real purse!)

Meanmwhile Jared Jeffries has gone all black-amish: the chinstrap beard and the commitment to non aggression. His beard is the exact same length as his head hair. Its like a ski mask basically.

Jared Jeffires, is your father Furious Styles???

Is your father Wooly Willy???

Maybe its a magic 3-point beard though, the way hes been throowing em up.

Oh and gilberts back snaps in half like a dry stick and he says hes "35%" and then scores 70 points.

MIAMI

Nemesis!!! We will break down the heat in the next couple weeks for playoff run.

But a couple quick incites:

1. Its a national tv game, so phil and steve have to tone down the biased commentary. yes thats right, they are kinder to the wiz than usual!

2. Michale ruffin is fouling and not getting boards the way he usually does. If you are Mike Ruffin, you MUST GET THE BOARDS

Im not gonna harsh on Ruffrider, especially since the squirrels have awoken from a cold winter, but ill say this:

If you are a fat, toothless girl in a beauty pageant, you better speak good in the Interview portion if you know what im saying.

PHILIDELPHIA

I dont even rembember this game. Its not that importsant. whats done is done.

Gil collects signed jerseys like he does everything -- obsessivley!

"When I'm done, I'm going to build an all-glass gym and have them built in the floor."

Man thats cool, when he quits ballin hes gonna go extra crazy with the spare time, and building a giant glass temple of memorabilia is the perfect jasminelive hobby. But grandiose retirement plans dont always work out the way u want right? Just ask former Bullets Baller STAN LOVE. He got in with a bad crowd of creative anachronists and next thing he knows hes at the Maryland town hall being told "Prince Of Gaithersburg" is not a recognized power!!!

and then finds out that the metrobus does not take Gaulish Tarins , which he had converted his life savings to, and so he walked home, his homemade armor sounding the clanking footsteps of a man marking out the boundaries of his own limitations.

Maybe Werner Herzog will make an intense and obsessive documentary about Gilbert!

"The Mesh Messiah" maybe.

That would be so sweet! But no, i forgot, Gilbert doesnt talk to Werner anymore cuz of the time they were playing Gauntlet 4-player coop-mode at the PuttPutt Arcade with Kinski and Blatche, and Werner's elf got killed, and he started bugging Gil by doing this grave voiceover to try and distract Gilbert from his game and then Werner crossed the line when he says

"Stupidity is the devil. Look in the eye of a chicken and you'll know. It's the most horrifying, cannibalistic, and nightmarish creature in this world. "

Some snubs cant be unsnubbed.

Plus anyway gilbert isnt so obsseive after all, hes just "a WAYSHOWER" , thats according to trainer Steve Stricker, who uses alternative medicine and rest to cure wizards players (why do you think Jarvis Hayes smells like cloves?) .

Steve Stricker announced last week that Gilbert does NOT have ADD or ADDHD or OCD. He does NOT have Aspergers Syndrome, even though he particpated in the Jimmy The Greek Aspergers Skills Challenge at this years All Star Weekend (skills included: taking food off others plates, making fun of birthmarks, raising ones hand when farting).

OK time to harvest some nuts!

We fought hard in San Antonio and frustrated Spur stars into fouls, and even frustrated homer announcers, like when Dr Doolittle Duncan shoved Little Ant to the parquet and Brown Hornet split his dome and SPurs analist blurted "HOW IS THAT A FOUL???!!!"

Then Manu scored 17 baskets and game over man.

Manu, what kinda name is "manu"??

try saying it three times out loud and youll come to one conclusion:

WAS HE NAMED BY A DEAF PERSON???

Then last night we got more nuts on the porch that Atticus Finch.

Bren haywood came in at 6 minute mark and was already crying! but stevie franchise was crying since tipoff. Stevie Franchise indeed. If the franchise is a Blimpies franchise maybe, and he'd still run it into the ground. (The indian bread bloke passes him the bun and he would ignore customers order and only say to customers: "so you want a pickle sandwich, i can make that?? More pickles you say?" even though guy wanted roats beef and provolone, and steve would pile mountain of pickles onto white roll to obsessive heights and hastily wrap it all up in a bag and dish it wildly across the room agaisnt the wall while indian breadman hides them in the cupboard.)

The Nicks team has quit, thinking of the offseason, Qyntels already got his dogs hanging from a bloody rope. Its all Isiahs fault, his GM philosophy is based on 3 things: a fresh Rotisserie Chicken, a glass of skotch, and a Chose Your Own Adventure Book. He defends himself by saying that he didnt realizre the NBA didnt have a "create a player" feature like NBA Live 2004. And so he traded 3 #1 picks for a Gameshark for nothing.

And of course theres Isaihs signature scouting technique: get a pack of 1996 Basketball Cards, grab all the guys who avged 16 pts and 5 TOs a game. spread em out, take off pants, and play "Scouts Grout" a version of "Soggy Biscuit".

The player on the wet card gets a phone call next moring and a billion dollars !!!

There is only ONE WAY the knicks can be turned around

I swear we didnt rite that

So how you like me now Mike WIlbon? Writing your column after the Nets loss about how wiz blew that ganme and were gonna get wiped up on the road and arent a team to reckon with. The only thing mike wilbon pays less attention to than Wiz is his wife. Flapping those mule-mouth pizza-crumb choppers, "look how much it takes to bore me" take a hike pal, wiz are 3-1, out-running old knees, meeting weird northwest mascots. Other teamz have homers in their corner, we got travellers and doubters. Buckhantz is bad enough.

Check out Steve Buckhantzs entry in Wikipedia!!!

So right on!

Buckhantz is also well known for being overly anti-climactic and pronouncing the 2nd "O" in the word "sophomore".

CHALLENGE:

My royal readers, heres the challenge, go to wikipedia, and try and add maddness to DC player and former playa bios. The funniest one that gets in wins a scratch and sniff Ledell Eackles card and Ken Beatrice will record moans on your answering machine!

Where was I, oh wilbon. So the Nets were no easybeats , they won a million in a row and even beat Pistons in Palace like we did so when they nipped us it was a team of Davids beating a team of Davids, xcpt one of their davids beats giants and wives.

The spies reports seeing Vince Carter on the Undergorund Railroad aka the Red Line To Shady Grove on way to the game listening to his iPod and pulling on his shandy-boy stirrup pants and what was playing on his iPod??? ARCTIC MONKEYS!

No not the popular indie band Arctic Monkeys!!!!

but the Arctic Monkeys Kristic and Planinic, who recorded a hip-hop version of Under Milk Wood. Zenad playz the role of Mrs. Ogmore-Pritchard as a streetwise rapping house cat called Toby von Smalls.

TITE PISTONSLINK!:

GO PISTONS!

SUper Happy Fantastic Big Mister Viulgar Rasheed Wallace!

Thanks TRUE HOOP!

True Hoop also has more scoops on Sheed:

Nazir, 8, thinks he's already a better basketball player than dad. Rashida, 2, the couple's only daughter, gets her daddy to sit down for tea parties. Fatima loves watching Wallace trying to delicately hold the tiny teacup by the handle with his big fingers.

Woah that last sentence was almost exactly the same as police report steve blake filed with Vienna Spefcial Victims Unit in 2004

ANOTHER TITE SHEEDLINK:

Rasheed is The Abominable Snowman!

B4 the Nets game Wiz won home and home against Bernie Butterstaff's Bobcats. It was great to see The Baxter back on the floor! What a double header! its like seeing Citizen Kane and a Gnome Named Gnorm back 2 back! Butterstaff actually quoted from A Gnome Named Gnorm when he was describing The Baxter in the postgame press conference:

"Pookah has round Bobos!"

True quote!

Then last night Wiz clocked the SAcraMENTOS Freshmakers even though Tim Thomas was a dirty bird and knocked Caron upside his dome but Steve Stricker slapped some craft paste and a big pink bandaid on the dome and caron was rite as rain, but tim thomas got chucked and best be staying out of Carons ways or he'll get beatdown with a juvie hall lunch tray. Caron makes one call to Oprah, Tims dead in a ditch. Not only that, but Gilbert Arenas was out with the flu, and after he got snubbed by the flu, he has waged all-out war against germs JuanDixon style.

QUESTION:

If Arenas if President, and Booth killed the President, will Booth kill Arenas? Arenas is Assassin so will Arenas kill Booth in a pre-emptive strike? Or will Arenas kill himself?

Too bad Gil mjissed the game b/c if hed play it would be Gilbert vs Artest, matching up the leagues two twitchiest players.

INCITE

Donnell Taylor when he wears the white headband looks alot like LBoogie, except without the green eyes and he follows the play and not the money trail and doesnt wear a tiara and break his hands handling his breakfast.

Meanmtime Steve Buckhantz continues to count off wizards turnover totals with such an exhausted pleasure. Hes like the Count from Sesame Street, "Three WIzrads Turnovers, HaHaHaHa" . Phil Cheniers also like the COunt, in that he sleeps with his eyes open and smells of hot palms and felt.